Does Conflict at Home Mess Up Your Child?
The definition of conflict is two people disagreeing. People express their opinions healthily in a healthy home, so an amicable resolution is achieved. In other homes, the conflict, whether with a parent or sibling or witnessing parents in conflict, is disrespectful in many ways.
It can be healthy and positive for kids to see their parents occasionally argue respectfully. Kids learn that it’s okay to disagree and the appropriate ways to apologize if an argument becomes too heated. Children learn how to communicate healthily when parents model it for them.
Sometimes, conflict in the home can get ugly. Spouses will call the other names, insult the other spouse, threaten, and/or attack their spouse. Or a child will be bullied by a sibling. This type of conflict can have a significant impact on children.
It can cause insecurity for children because they never know what to expect. Stress, anxiety, and sometimes even depression affect them physically and psychologically. Their normal, healthy development is impeded.
Children tend not to open up to parents yelling, which means they may not open up to their parents about important matters in their lives.
Some parents want to put their children in the middle by telling them why they are “right” and the other parent is “wrong,” which adds to the children’s stress, particularly when they hear contradictory stories. It often makes them think less of both parents. Most importantly, when a child hears negative things about the other parent, it often makes them think less of themselves when they believe their assessment of their parents was inaccurate and their parent is not who the children thought they were.
All of this makes kids think less of their parents, which causes them to turn to others who may be a negative influence. This can explain why when conflict in the home happens regularly, kids are at an increased risk of alcohol and drug use and even teenage pregnancy.
Constant conflict can even traumatize children. This means children can have difficulty staying focused, being organized, and managing their time. Trauma can be confused with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Instead of Ritalin, a traumatized child would probably benefit from therapy. Talking about trauma with an understanding person helps a child heal from trauma. Ritalin helps them manage the trauma but does not heal.
Kids who are traumatized may suffer from fear, anger, anxiety, and sadness. This contributes to them having poor interpersonal skills, poor problem-solving abilities, and low social competence. In other words, they have difficulty making friends and difficulty within those friendships. Bessel van der Kolk, an expert in trauma research, has found that children in high-conflict families have difficulty in their relationships with other people. They think their parents’ relationship is normal, which is what they look for in their friendships.
What Do You Do If You Think Conflict Affects Your Child?
Most people do nothing different. That is why there is so much turmoil in the workplace and such a high divorce rate. Some people divorce when it is between spouses because they think that if they are no longer living together, the conflict will go away. Sometimes it does. Other times, divorce exacerbates the conflict because so much communication is needed when children are living in two homes. Children need a home with healthy communication skills. It doesn’t matter if it’s one home or two homes. If children are exposed to conflict, it is harmful to them. Sometimes, it takes a divorce to give the child a peaceful home. It will be two homes, but it may be better than continually exposing a child to conflict if they are calm.
To work on communication, you must first decide who you want to be. Many people justify their communication based on what someone else said or did. Do you want to be someone who lets others control them? Or do you want to learn to manage your emotions and reactions? If the conflict is with your children, they need assistance in helping them decide who they want to be; how people manage conflict in the home seeps into how they work with others in the workplace.
It only takes one person for communication and relationships to change. Remember that if you are a parent modeling good communication skills, you will be a safe and stable parent for your child. Not only will this improve your relationship with your child, but it also provides them with security. So, if you do not want to do it for yourself, do it for your child. The more you improve your communication skills at home, the more you will benefit from all your other relationships.
Besides counseling, below are some books that people have found to help improve their communication skills:
Books That Make a Difference
o Nonviolent Communication (A Language of Life) by Marshall B. Rosenberg
Effective at assisting people to communicate how they feel without
starting arguments. The book has a worldwide following, and it is effective. Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella gave it to his top people to improve their company culture. One of the most helpful books for parenting as well.
o Becoming Parents: How to Strengthen Your Marriage as Your Family Grows by Pamela L. Jordan, Scott M. Stanley, and Howard J. Markman
Many cracks in the marriage start with the birth of their first child. This book helps with communication and to work together as a team. If you are contemplating divorce, it’s not too late to read this book. Communication becomes more complicated once you are in two homes, so practical skills become even more critical.
Disrespectful conflict is harmful to children. For the well-being of your children, take the steps to reduce unhealthy conflict in your home. If that is not possible, consider a divorce or dissolution. Your children may be better off in two healthy homes rather than in one unhealthy home.