Do You Want to Avoid Conflict?

I was on a hiking trail in a town with nine other people. We took a left turn when Sarah said, “Why are we going this way? The trail is over there.” The person leading the hike, Ray, smiled and kind of laughed, and we all turned around.

 Sometimes men do not like taking direction from a woman, yet Ray had no problem with what Sarah said.

 Have you ever told someone what they were doing was incorrect and they became angry at you? Even though you were right?

 Most people would have told Ray, “You’re going the wrong way,” or “We’re going the wrong way.” This delivery will make people angry. Sarah’s delivery will not. Why the difference?

 Sarah did not judge. She was open-minded to the possibility for someone to deviate. We had left forty minutes late and were on a tight schedule. There was no way someone would have intentionally taken us all off the trail. Yet Sarah was still respectful and asked why we were going that way. She informed us where the trail was from a factual standpoint but did not tell us what to do.

 Telling people they are wrong is a judgment. People do not like being told they are wrong or what they should do. Sarah did not tell Ray he was wrong and needed to change direction. She asked a respectful question, stated a fact, and let Ray decide what he wanted to do. It was a pleasant exchange.

 It would probably not surprise you to know that Sarah is easy to get along with and well-liked. If we want to avoid conflict and have an easy time getting along with others, it would be helpful to avoid judgments as Sarah did.

 To avoid judgments, pay attention to your thoughts. Judgmental thoughts will lead to judgmental words. To avoid judgmental thoughts, let go of the oughts and shoulds. Stop beating yourself up for what you should have done. Instead of focusing on, “I shouldn’t have done…” Think about why you did do what you did. What were you thinking and feeling at the time? When your focus changes to understanding why you did something you can learn and grow from the experience instead of feeling like a loser.

 As you ease up on judging yourself, you will be less likely to judge others. If you find yourself thinking of how someone should be, you are setting yourself up for frustration. A boss has the right, power, control, and authority to set rules for their employees. We do not have the right, power, control, or authority to set rules on others. We know what we want others to do and what they agreed to do, but they are under no obligation to do what we want. Everybody has different weaknesses and strengths, and sometimes people are unable to keep their word for reasons outside their control.  

 Angry people will be amazed at how mediation can resolve their conflicts. The reason mediation is so successful is because mediators do not judge. Even when it does not make sense, mediators are still not judgmental.

 An easy way to remember this is a true story of road rage. A man was at a red light. When the light turned green, the lady in the car in front of him turned around and was fidgeting with something in her backseat. The light turned red, again, and when it turned green, again, the lady got out of her car and started fussing with something in the backseat. The man was so angry he walked to the lady, ready to tell her off. When he arrived at her car, he saw that she was helping her choking baby. When the baby had first started choking, the lady had turned around and put her hands on his chest to try to help him. When the baby did not stop choking, the lady walked to the back of the car to help her baby. Should she have started driving when the light had first turned green? The answer is usually yes. Should she help her choking baby, so the baby does not die? Of course! When people do not do what we want, they usually have a good reason, like a baby in the backseat.

 When we withhold our judgments, we can also understand the people in our life much better. Our relationships will improve, and we will have much more peace and happiness in our lives.